Answer: 10 Dead Names. Question: What Did Aela Mass Find in a Cemetery?

According to Nameberry, “cool names” are names that will impress your friends and family when you send out the birth announcement. They’ll say, “I wish I had thought of that!” Or, “Great name! Where’d you find it?” However, if you pick a name that causes friends and family to say, “You must be kidding!” you know you’ve picked name which isn’t a “keeper” (if you’d caught it while fishing, you would immediately remove the hook and throw it back into the water).

For reasons I can’t fathom Pamela Redmond Satran and Aela Mass specialize in names that would cause most people to say “You named your baby What?”  It appears Satran has an acolyte named Aela Mass who wrote an article called “10 Unusual Baby Names I Discovered While Walking My Dog,” which I found on Babble.

All ten of the names would do a great job of confounding your friends and family when you announce them. All ten would also come in handy when you are angry at your child: “If you do that again, I’m going to change your name to Sophronia!” Or, “Hobart, get a sponge and clean up the milk you just spilled. Now!”

That said, here is the list of ten dead names Aela Mass claims she found in a cemetery: Sophronia, Eudora, Drusilla, Alaric, Hobart, Emiline, Annourilla, Lugretia, Gratia and Almeda

The proof that Mass found these names in a cemetery rather than on her laptop is that she included a photo of her dog, Darla in her “Walking My Dog” article. I wonder if the cemetery Aela Mass claims to have visited with her dog is the same cemetery where Satran finds the names she uses in her articles about “unusual,” “forgotten,” or “never heard of” names. I suspect both Nameberry writers use the same source, whatever it might be. Their writing styles are both quite similar. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

I must admit it took me some time to copy down the dead names, because I had to keep rechecking to make sure I had spelled them correctly. Annourilla, Lugretia, Gratia and Emiline are begging (from the grave) to be misspelled and mispronounced.  However, just about all the names would be great fun to use when your children are late for dinner. “Alaric, Drusilla, dinner is on the table. Wash your hands immediately or no dinner for the two of you!”

Why did Aela Mass decide to share these ten names with us? You’d think someone named Aela (who must have hated her name when she was a child) would want to prevent babies from getting awful names. Instead she promotes embarrassing names on behalf of Nameberry and Pamela Redmond Satran for distribution through Babble.

P.S. I just remembered where I’d heard of Aela Mass; she’d written an article called “20 Cool and Unusual Names” which I think contained 20 of the names Pamela Redmond Satran had included in a longer article called “100 Cool and Unusual Names.” I wrote a post about Mass’ article called “Has Nameberry Lost Its Cool?” It is one of my most popular posts. I also wrote a post about the longer article that Satran wrote, “Should Come With a Warning,” which was even popular.) It would appear that Satran and Mass are colleagues. Do they hold editorial meetings in cemeteries? I doubt it.

The kind of “dead” names in Aela Mass’ latest article were similar to the kind of “cool and unusual” names from Mass’ and Satran’s recent articles). For example Eulalie was recommended in the “cool and unusual” article and Eudora was recommended in the “dead names” article. All of the names Mass and Satran have been recommending could just as easily be called: “forgotten” or “unheard of”–words Satran has used in the title of recent articles featuring archaic names that are rarely if ever used in recent years.

However “dead” (a word that fits the “cemetery theme” Mass invented) strongly suggests that the names aren’t fit for real live children. What they can’t be called is “cool” because there’s nothing remotely “cool” about the dead names they’ve been recommending to expecting mothers whose babies would be devastated by the embarrassment and teasing these awful names would bring them. (Aela Mass should know from first-hand experience how painful it is to be given a “weird name.”)

To her credit, Mass didn’t call the latest batch of 10 names “cool.” But the fact that Nameberry is still recommending names that died 100+ years ago and have little or no possible appeal to parents in 2014 is amazing. What’s more amazing is that websites like Huffington Post and Babble feature these dead names which are of little or no use to contemporary parents.

Sooner or later Nameberry’s distributors (Huff Po, Babble and major market newspapers) and Nameberry’s employees are going to rise up and say “We don’t want to recommend dead names to parents whose babies could suffer as a result.” There’s something ghoulish about Nameberry’s continuing obsession with names that have been rotting in their graves for 100 years or more.

If you think I’m crazy, ask yourself this question. Would you happily switch your name (whatever it is) for Annourilla or Lugretia?  Is there a single name on Mass’ list of dead names you would give serious thought to naming your next child? Why would any rational parent want to subject their next baby to embarrassment and teasing? (I exclude certain celebrities from the category of “rational parents.”)

You may recall that boxer Laila Ali called ridiculous celebrity baby names like North West and Blue Ivy “crazy.” I think the ten dead names Aela Mass claims to have found in a cemetery are as embarrassing  as many of the names on my list of “29 outrageous celebrity baby names.”

The Baby Name Police have their eyes on Mass and her Nameberry colleagues. It’s a fine thing to call attention to lovely old names that have been overlooked in recent times. It’s a harmful thing to promote the use of unpleasant and unappealing old names which  likely to subject contemporary children to  likely to embarrassment, teasing and harassment. And to add insult to injury, many of the names are difficult to spell and pronounce as well.

Dear Bruce: How Can I Talk My Son Out of a Name I Hope they Don’t Give My Grandchild?

Q: I hate a name my son is thinking of naming his baby. How can I talk him out of it?

A: If you want to have even the slightest chance of changing your son’s mind, accept the fact that naming their baby is the prerogative of your son and his wife. It’s not your call. Accept the fact that they will pick whatever name they like and that you will live with their choice. (Fighting a passive-aggressive battle about a name you don’t like is juvenile and undermines your credibility as the “adult in the relationship.”)

Next, change the way you frame the issue. Saying you “hate”‘ the name they are considering sets up a cataclysmic life and death battle. Instead, say that the name they seem high on “never would have occurred to you.” Notice how that lightens the stakes and implies that nuclear weapons won’t be used to settle the matter.

The goal of “talking your son out of” the name he likes is highly unrealistic. Lower your sights and lighten your rhetoric accordingly. Describe what you’d like to accomplish as: “introducing a different perspective,” or “planting the seed of a different idea.” See how that language is much less “win/lose”–hence much less “threatening?”

(Time for an anecdote: I had a relative who always had to be “right”–about everything. Although he was smart enough not to verbalize what he was thinking, what was running through his mind as he argued passionately for his point of view was: “I’m right. You’re wrong. You big dummy!” When he started arguing, people sensed he was trying to run over them with a bulldozer and leave them flat as pancakes in the middle of the road. So instead of considering what he had to say, most people would dig in stubbornly and cling to their initial position for dear life.)

Can you see how a “bulldozer strategy” like the one my relative used is the least effective rhetorical strategy possible? And now that I’ve told you this anecdote can you see why using language like “introducing a different perspective” or “planting the seed of a different idea” is much less threatening and confrontational and might open the door to change, if only because your son might be curious to discover what your new “perspective” or “idea” might be.

Now that you’ve increased the odds that you and your son will have a productive discussion, you are ready to provide some new perspectives and new ideas in the  form of blog posts I’ve written about a variety of issues that might be causing a conflict between you and your son. (Psychotherapists call it “bibliotherapy” when they “prescribe” books for their patients to read.  So perhaps we should call this approach “blogotherapy.”

If your son is considering a name that is highly unusual and may come across as strange, weird or uncomfortable, suggest he read “Why Unique Names Can Be a Hassle.” It describes a research project that asked people if they liked their own names. Many respondents who had been given unusual names didn”t like their names for a variety of good reasons.

If your son is considering a traditional name that seems boring or humdrum to you, suggest that he read “How to Find Charming, Uncommon Names for Your Baby.”

If your son has picked a name you think is for “losers” and you would like to steer him towards a name that will help his child succeed in life, suggest he read “How to Come Up With a 5-Star Name  for Your Baby.”

If you think your son has picked an “outrageous” name similar to names selected by celebrities, suggest he read “10 Mistakes That Have Caused The Biggest, Baddest Baby-Naming Blunders.”

If your son has picked a name so popular there are likely to be more than one child with the same name in your grandchild’s kindergarten class, suggest he read “How to Pick a Unique Version of a Popular Name.”

When you realize your son has made up his mind about a first name “that never would have occurred to you,” change the subject and suggest he read “Middle Naming: How to Pick a Useful Middle Name for Your Baby.” (One of the main purposes of a middle name is to act as a “back-up name” should the first name not work out.)

By using a blogotherapy strategy, it is no longer you against your son in a winner-take-all confrontation. You really are providing a new perspective in the form of articles I’ve written which may shed some new light on the subject. And that’s really all you can hope to do.

You Named Me…What? The GQ Guide to Naming Your Baby

If you’re interested in reading a bare-knuckles introduction to baby naming, I strongly recommend Drew Magary’s article that ran in GQ a few months ago. If you missed it, you’re in for a treat. Jump right in, here’s the intro:

If name is destiny (Destynee?), then judging from the dumb-ass, intentionally misspelled, needlessly apostrophe’d names we Americans are giving our kids nowadays—Jaxxon, Branlee, Scot’t—we’re raising a generation of meth heads. What can be done to stop this? Presenting GQ’s rules for naming a baby in the worst baby-naming era in human history.

Congratulations, your wife/girlfriend/au pair is pregnant! A little bundle of colicky delight awaits you mere months from now. And one of the great joys of this period of anticipation is brainstorming all kinds of kick-ass names for your offspring.

But be warned: The power that comes with naming a child can be both intimidating and addictive, and we are currently in the throes of a child-naming crisis here in America. Seemingly rational people are naming their kids Baylynn, and Daxx, and Nirvana. Ethans are becoming Aythans. Marys are becoming Jazzmins. Wannabe elitist parents keep trying to one-up each other, as if a uniquely horrible name serves as some kind of guarantee against little Aston Martin growing up to be merely ordinary. Soon we’ll be staring down an army of Apples, and the entire country will collapse upon itself. Each of us will get only a few opportunities (or if you’re Antonio Cromartie, two dozen) to help in the fight against this encroaching apocalypse, so when your turn comes, please do your part by following a few simple rules.

If you want to read the rest of Drew Magary’s guide to baby naming, click on these words. It’s not on the newsstand any more, so I’m making this article available as a public service (and because I agree with Drew’s POV: baby names are becoming Dumber and Dumberer.)

Boxer Laila Ali’s Smackdown of Kim and Kanye Re: North West

After staying up late last night to write a response to Joanna Shroeder’s article “Stop Complaining About So-Called Weird Names?” I was thrilled to discover an interview, this morning, with Laila Ali (retired boxer and daughter of the legendary Muhammed Ali) about celebrity baby names like North West. Here are some of highlights from an interview by HipHollywood.com as reported by kpopstarz.com:

When asked what she thought about the name North West, she replied: “I don’t like crazy names!”

When asked about the meaning of names like North West she said: “I think it doesn’t make any sense…You have to think about the child and as they get older what they have to deal with…. But North and South, and Leaf, and Water Drop, and all these names… C’mon now.”

When asked about the current practice of giving babies bizarre names: “A lot of people do things because it is a fad and they want to get some attention.”

When asked about celebrities who defended the bizarre names they had picked, Ali looked directly into the camera as if she was talking to Kim and Kanye and the other baby-naming celebrities directly, and said : “I don’t care who you are that is just stupid, period.”

Celebrity news media usually present celebrity birth announcements as though they are quoting God. Pundits, like me, try to discuss the names objectively. Truth is, we don’t actually know the celebrities we are writing about—so we can’t speak from first-hand knowledge about them. We can only guess what their true motives really are.

That’s why Laila Ali’s smack-down of Kim and Kanye (in particular) and others of their kind is so rare and powerful. She knows the game that Kim and Kanye are playing. And she’s willing to call them on it. What it boils down to is: Kim and Kanye can run from Laila Ali—but they can’t the hide.

10 Mistakes That Have Caused Celebrity Baby-Naming Blunders

1. Avoid names that sound like names of objects or places or creatures other than people.
Examples: Moon Unit, North, Yamma, Dweezil, Bronx, Fifi Trixibelle, Little Pixie Frou-Frou, Diezel, Ocean

2. Avoid names unlikely to be taken seriously–and likely to promote teasing or bullying.
Examples: Jermajesty, Audio Science, Pilot “Standard” Inspektor, Zeppelin, Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, Moxie CrimeFighter

3. Avoid names that most people would find difficult to recognize or identify as to national or ethnic origin.
Examples: Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa, Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale,

4. Avoid names whose first, middle and family names don’t go well together.
Examples: Bronx Mowgli Wentz, Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson, Kal-El Coppola Cage, Daisy-Boo Pamela Oliver, Yamma Noyola Brown

5. Avoid names likely to promote an inflated ego or the impression of an inflated ego.
Examples: Prince Michael, Jermajesty, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

6. Avoid names that create a sleazy sexual impression.
Example: Alabama Gypsy Rose Jenkins

7. Avoid names that create a criminal or evil impression.
Example: Pirate Howsmon Davis

8. Avoid names that are difficult to pronounce or remember.
Examples: Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa

9. Avoid names that are difficult to spell or remember.
Examples: Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa, Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson, Diezel

10. Avoid names that aren’t versatile enough to work well for both formal and informal occasions.
For example: Daisy-boo, Fifi Trixibelle, Little Pixie Frou-Frou, Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ocean

Discussion: I provided examples for each of the “mistakes to avoid,” to demonstrate the nature and scale of the mistake. For example It’s not a “mistake” to use a “gender-neutral name” like Jordan or Riley. But it’s impossible to tell what kind of creature or thing Moon Unit, Dweezil and Ocean are. I have chosen egregious examples of each type of mistake to demonstrate how difficult or disturbing it would be to be go through life with names that present the child in such a demeaning and unfavorable way.

Consider that the Social Service Administration lists Major, Messiah and King as three of the top-seven fastest rising boys’ names in 2012. The name Major might suggest you come from a military family and the name might be a family tradition (e.g., to honor a grandfather whose military rank was Major.) But George Alexander Louis Windsor won’t be King George for many years if ever–he’s third in line for the crown. So King is a big mistake. (It might encourage your son to demand that his “subject” bow down and kiss his feet every morning, before she pours cereal and milk into his royal cereal bowl). And Messiah? How nice to have a messiah in the family–until you get the psychotherapy bills. These are the kind of big, bad blunders we’re trying to avoid here. (They’re the kind of mistakes you can read about in celebrity gossip columns or watch on TV talk shows almost every day.)

P.S. It shouldn’t surprise you to learn that this list of mistakes is part of the training for all recruits to the Baby Name Police. We test candidates for their ability to distinguish  clever, creative names from “joke names” likely to backfire on the child and the parents (who will be stuck with the psychotherapy bills).

 

37 Outrageous Celebrity Baby Names That Illustrate What Not to Do When Naming Your Baby

Kim and Kanye’s choice of North West for their baby girl’s name has caused pundits to blog about other outrageous celebrity baby names. Curious to discover whether there was a consensus among pundits as to which names were the most, well, awful, I Googled tags like “strange,” “weird,” “funny,” “ridiculous,” “crazy,” and “unique” celebrity baby names.

I soon noticed that several sets of parents (Frank and Adelaide Gail Zappa, Jonathan and Deven Davis, Bob Geldof and Paula Yates, Jamie Oliver and Juliette Norton, Soleil Moon Frye and Marc Silverstein) had more than one name on many of the lists. I only included one of Robert Rodriguez and Elizabeth Avellan’s boys names, but mentioned the other three. It’s clear that coming up with notorious names is something all these parents were trying to do (rather than trying to avoid).

By contrast, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West still don’t understand why their fans, the media and the public at large aren’t thrilled by North West. Kim, Kanye, their friends and their relatives have been releasing statements (to the media) claiming that North is an “inspirational” name because it means “the highest power,” “the highest point” or was chosen because their lives are “guided by” the North Star. They are misguided if they think anyone other than friends and relatives will be impressed by this “logic.”

Most people know that north is a point on the compass located midway between east and west—and the farther north you go, the colder it gets. If Kim and Kanye were sailing around the world on a raft and had lost their compass, I would be more likely to believe that the North Star “guides” their lives.

If you want to find out which of the most commonly criticized celebrity baby names are the biggest baby-naming blunders, just count the number of mistakes the celebrity parents made in the process of coming up with each name, using the 10 common baby-naming mistakes listed below:

Ten Common Baby-Naming Mistakes
-It doesn’t sound like a name.
-It doesn’t make a positive impression for the child.
-The first, middle and family names don’t fit well together.
-It doesn’t work particularly well for formal or informal occasions (or both).
-It is a joke which is ultimately at the expense of the baby.
-It is nonsensical.
-It is unclear as to gender.
-It is difficult to pronounce.
-It is difficult to spell.
-It is likely to provoke or invite teasing.

Although any one of the mistakes listed above could be a source of discomfort or annoyance for a child, any name that reflects three or more of these mistakes is going to cause major problems for the child. But don’t be surprised to discover that most of the celebrity baby names listed below exemplify more than half of the ten mistakes!

Boy’s Names

Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa
Parents: Frank and Adelaide Gail Zappa
My first impression: What country did he come from? What language will he speak?

Audio Science Clayton
Parents: Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton
My first impression: He’ll be instantly stereotyped as a science geek.

Bear Blu Jarecki
Parents: Alicia Silverstone and Christopher Jarecki
My first impression: A depressed plush toy.

Bodhi Ransom Green
Parents: Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green
My first impression: An enlightened hijacker.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz
Parents: Ashlee Simpson and Peter Wentz
My first impression: Apparently, an urban-jungle dweller.

Diezel Ky Braxton-Lewis
Parents: Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis
My first impression: Conceived in a truck-stop parking lot.

Dweezil Zappa
Parents: Frank and Adela Adelaide Gail Zappa
My first impression: What’s a dweezil? What planet did it fall from?

Jermajesty Jackson
Parents: Jermaine Jackson and Alejandra Genevieve Oaziaza
My first impression: Jermajesty’s first words to his parents: “Bow down and kiss my feet!

Kal-El Coppola Cage
Parents: Nicolas Cage and Alice Kim
My first impression: What a combination: Superman’s father and a brilliant movie director. It boggles the mind.

Kid Duchovny
Parents: David Duchovny and Tea Leoni
My first impression: An unwanted child his parents were too busy to name.

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa
Parents: Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa
My first impression: He won’t be able to remember, pronounce or spell his entire name until he’s 13.

Pilot “Standard” Inspektor Lee
Parents: Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf
My first impression: They found the name in an un-proofed edition of a vintage comic book.

Pirate Howsmon Davis
Parents: Jonathan and Deven Davis
My first impression: A Rastafarian pirate, mon!

Prince Michael “Blanket” II
Parent: Michael Jackson and surrogate mother
My first impression: Which is worse: the ego-tripping royal title or the awful nickname?”

Rogue Joaquin Rodriguez
Robert Rodriguez and Elizabeth Avellan
My first impression: Of all the names they gave their boys (Rebel, Racer, Rocket and Rogue) this one is the worst.

Seven Sirius Benjamin
Parents: Erykah Badu and Andree Benjamin
My First Impression: A channel on Sirius XM satellite radio.

Speck Wildhorse
Parents: John Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin
My first impression: What’s the connection between Speck and Wildhorse?

Zeppelin Howsmon Davis
Parents: Jonathan and Deven Davis
My first impression: Conceived after visiting the Air and Space Museum.

Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale
Parents: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
My first impression: Imagine finding a baby caveman—in Hollywood. (Great concept for a movie!)

Girl’s Names

Alabama Gypsy Rose Jennings
Parents: Drea de Matteo and Shooter Jennings
My first impression: Sounds like a southern stripper.

Daisy Boo Pamela Oliver
Parents: Jamie Oliver and Juliette Norton
My first impression: She won’t be using baby talk in a few years, but her parents still will.

Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa
Parents: Frank and Adelaide Gail Zappa
My first impression: When she figures out what her parents did to her (with that name) she’s gonna get even.

Fifi Trixibelle Geldof
Parents: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates
My first impression: The birth announcement didn’t mention she’s a baby girl poodle.

Jagger Joseph Blue Goldberg
Parents: Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg
My first impression: A swaggering, depressed religious boy with issues.

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence
Parents: Michael Hutchence and Paula Yates
My first impression: In adolescence, she’ll want to fly away to Neverland to hang out with Peter Pan.

Little Pixie Frou-Frou Geldof
Parents: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates
First impression: The birth announcement didn’t mention she’s a baby girl poodle.

Lyric Sonny Roads Goldberg
Parents: Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg
My first impression: The parents are picturing a Woody Guthrie or Bob Dylan folksinger.

Mirabella Bunny Adams
Parents: Bryan Adams and Alicia Grimaldi:
My first impression: A plush toy purchased in a beauty salon.

Moon Unit Zappa
Parents: Frank Zappa and Adelaide Gail Zappa
My first impression: R2-D2’s girlfriend.

Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette
Parents: Penn Jillette and Emily Zolten
My first impression: Sounds like a vintage comic-strip character.

North West
Parents: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian
My first impressions: Either a point on the compass or an airline that was acquired by Delta.

Petal Blossom Rainbow Oliver
Parents: Jamie Oliver and Juliette Norton
My first impression: Her parents named her while tripping out in the flower garden.

Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg
Parents: Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg
My first impression: A pretentious name to appeal to the admissions director of a prestigious private school.

Poppy Honey Rose Oliver
Parents: Jamie Oliver and Juliette Norton
My first impression: Her parents named her while tripping out in the flower garden.

Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson
Parents: Uma Thurman and Arpad Busson
My first impression: Sounds like they opened up a baby-name book and picked five names at random—hoping to find one the child would like.
(Believe it or not, six months after giving her five names, Uma Thurman announced she was going to call her daughter Luna.)

Tu Simone Ayer Morrow
Parents: Rob Morrow and Debbon Ayer
My first impression: Which is worse: Tu Morrow or her mother’s name, Debbon Ayer?

Yamma Noyola Brown
Parents: James Brown and Deidre Jenkins
My first impression: They came up with the name while attending a church service where worshippers speak in tongues.

What to Do When Naming Your Baby
Once you understand just how uncomfortable (and annoying) these baby-naming mistakes can be for a child to live with, Go down the list of mistakes and see how many mistakes each name makes. That will give you a quick way to eliminate names likely to be a burden for your child.

However, sometimes playing it safe can produce a dull name (like Bob or Mary). Make one or two “mistakes” and you could wind up with a more remarkable or memorable name (like Wiley or Rio, both of which are unclear as to gender). But if you make more than one or two mistakes you’re likely to produce a baby-naming disaster (like Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa or Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa) that are a recognized form of child abuse. (Ultimately, these kind of “jokes” are on the child and on you.)

P.S. This post has recently been added to the Baby Name Police training manual. All recruits are tested on their ability to name all the mistakes embodied in each baby naming blunder listed above. As a result of superior training and vigilance, I’m hoping we’ll be better able to call baby name abuse to the attention of the parents and the general public in the future.

The Morning After a Wild and Crazy Baby-Naming Brainstorming Session

Maybe you and your partner went out last night and one (or both) of you imbibed something that’s a no-no for a pregnant mother. Or maybe you were out with friends who were flying high. Either way, you felt like the sun revolved around you and you could do no wrong, and you came up with some, like, totally awesome names—which cracked everyone up. (Come to think of it, that’s probably how the celebrities who came up with names like Apple, Dweezil and Pilot Inspektor felt when they inked those names onto their babies’ birth certificates.)

The morning after one of those wild and crazy baby-naming sessions is when you need to get a grip. If you think like an adolescent (or a drunken sailor) who’s going to take care of the baby? If you have one of those entertaining soirees, here’s what you should do the next day: Write the words “instead of” in front of all the names you came up with while under the influence (of either alcohol or friends), and see if you can come up with some “sober” options.

To put that idea into practice, I have listed some silly, self-indulgent celebrity baby names along with some sober (morning-after) alternatives:

Instead of Apple (daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin), a food name like Brie, Syrah, Pepper, Coco, Ginger or Sherry

Instead of Banjo (son of Rachel Griffiths and Andrew Taylor), the name of a famous banjo picker like Lonnie (Donegan), Jerry (Garcia), Tommy (Makem), Earl (Scruggs), Pete (Seeger) or Steve (Martin)

Instead of Moxie CrimeFighter (daughter of Penn and Emily Jillette), the name of a famous female detective like Nancy (Drew), Dana (Scully), Stephanie (Plum) or Mary Beth (Lacey)

Instead of Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakeapa (son of Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa), one, more pronounceable Hawaiian name like: Kahana, Kalan, or Kalani

Instead of Kal-El (son of Nicholas Cage and Alice Kim), the name of a cartoon superhero’s alter ego like Clark (Kent), Bruce (Wayne), Billy (Batson) or Peter (Parker)

Instead of Sistine (daughter of Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flavin), a religious/spiritual name like Grace, Faith or Cielo

Instead of Jesse James (son of Jon and Dorothea Bon Jovi), the name of a famous historical or fictional detective like
Elliott (Ness), Joe (Friday), Fox (Mulder) or Sam (Spade)

Instead of Seven (son of Andre 3000 and Erykah Bodu, the name Lucky or a numerical name like Ace, Deuce, Trey, or Quentin

It’s fun (and funny) to come up with a list of wild and crazy names for your baby. However, if you actually list any of those names on your baby’s birth certificate, you’re thinking like a kid—not a parent.