Here’s a small sample of names Drew Magary found in a recent issue of Parents magazine. Readers were asked what they would name their next baby boy or girl. Here are just a few of the names Drew Magary went off on.
First, some boys’ names:
• Jaydien That’s right. Jaydien. Don’t forget that I. That I is what sets young Jaydien apart from the mere Jaydens of the world. Now don’t you people who named your kid Jayden feel behind the times? You bought the beta version of that name. It’s like buying an iPad too early. Six years from now, the name will have morphed into Jayydizzosoian, and then you’ll really feel like a sucker.
• Tulsa If you’re gonna name your kid after a place, at least have the common courtesy to name him after a legitimate tourist destination. No one wants to hang out with a kid named Tulsa, or a kid named Kalamazoo. Ol’ Kal. Always gettin’ in trouble.
• Zaiden Of course Zaiden is here. It takes Jayden and throws a Z in front, which makes it SO STRONG. God, I just wanna slap a loincloth on little Zaiden and club dragons with him. Be on the lookout for Drayden, Fayden, Waiden, Strayden, and Klayden coming to your hood.
• Zebulon Classic hillbilly, with the bonus of sounding like a cartoon alien planet.
Then some girls’ names:
• Annyston Joined by brother Schwymmir
• Brook’Lynn The abuse of apostrophes in names has to end. A reasonable person should be able to know, by looking at a name, when one syllable ends and another begins. But no, [some people] all over the country have to be like “I’ll name him Raw’Bert.” You stop that. Give me some credit for being able to read even if you can’t.
• Luxx Why not add that third x and fulfill her destiny? That’s what you want, right? You want little Luxx to grow up, move to the Valley and earn $60 a week getting jet spraykakke’d for a series of Brazzers short films, yes? There’s no other reason to name your child Luxx.
• Sharpay This is a character from High School Musical. It’s also a breed of dog. Why stop there? Name your child Dobyrman.
And his close:
There are so many more horrible names on the list: Tayzia, Xylethia, Kayson, Mayson, Kayleen—it goes on and on and on. I wish I could tell you there’s an end to this, that writing your local Congressman to draft laws preventing this kind of child abuse from happening would do the trick. But I can’t. It won’t. Our fate is sealed, not unlike that of poor Luxx. Luxxx. Luxxxx’Ann. God help us all.
Click on the link, above, and read the whole article on Deadspin. It’s seriously funny; read it all.