The Morning After a Wild and Crazy Baby-Naming Brainstorming Session

Maybe you and your partner went out last night and one (or both) of you imbibed something that’s a no-no for a pregnant mother. Or maybe you were out with friends who were flying high. Either way, you felt like the sun revolved around you and you could do no wrong, and you came up with some, like, totally awesome names—which cracked everyone up. (Come to think of it, that’s probably how the celebrities who came up with names like Apple, Dweezil and Pilot Inspektor felt when they inked those names onto their babies’ birth certificates.)

The morning after one of those wild and crazy baby-naming sessions is when you need to get a grip. If you think like an adolescent (or a drunken sailor) who’s going to take care of the baby? If you have one of those entertaining soirees, here’s what you should do the next day: Write the words “instead of” in front of all the names you came up with while under the influence (of either alcohol or friends), and see if you can come up with some “sober” options.

To put that idea into practice, I have listed some silly, self-indulgent celebrity baby names along with some sober (morning-after) alternatives:

Instead of Apple (daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin), a food name like Brie, Syrah, Pepper, Coco, Ginger or Sherry

Instead of Banjo (son of Rachel Griffiths and Andrew Taylor), the name of a famous banjo picker like Lonnie (Donegan), Jerry (Garcia), Tommy (Makem), Earl (Scruggs), Pete (Seeger) or Steve (Martin)

Instead of Moxie CrimeFighter (daughter of Penn and Emily Jillette), the name of a famous female detective like Nancy (Drew), Dana (Scully), Stephanie (Plum) or Mary Beth (Lacey)

Instead of Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakeapa (son of Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa), one, more pronounceable Hawaiian name like: Kahana, Kalan, or Kalani

Instead of Kal-El (son of Nicholas Cage and Alice Kim), the name of a cartoon superhero’s alter ego like Clark (Kent), Bruce (Wayne), Billy (Batson) or Peter (Parker)

Instead of Sistine (daughter of Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flavin), a religious/spiritual name like Grace, Faith or Cielo

Instead of Jesse James (son of Jon and Dorothea Bon Jovi), the name of a famous historical or fictional detective like
Elliott (Ness), Joe (Friday), Fox (Mulder) or Sam (Spade)

Instead of Seven (son of Andre 3000 and Erykah Bodu, the name Lucky or a numerical name like Ace, Deuce, Trey, or Quentin

It’s fun (and funny) to come up with a list of wild and crazy names for your baby. However, if you actually list any of those names on your baby’s birth certificate, you’re thinking like a kid—not a parent.

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